they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
