a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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