I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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