3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
