she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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