I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
