This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
