I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We left an ass print on the piano.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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