You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
