There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
