I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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