I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize