I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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