He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
