i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
