Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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