please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
