is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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