Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
