He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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