I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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