I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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