I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
