I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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