all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
