Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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