i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
