not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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