like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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