She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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