we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
