p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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