I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
