You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
