so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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