i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
