Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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