I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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