i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
