you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Welp...herpes.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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