The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We're too hungover to prance.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
