He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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