Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
