Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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