Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
