Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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