I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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