The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My ass is underappreciated
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
