you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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