I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
