...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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