3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
