: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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