Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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