are you still at the devil's house?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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