You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
