OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
